Rich people who have a financial stake in, say, the lucrative world of horse prostitution, will exhaust every drop of their influence to manipulate the scared and easily susceptible poor to fight their battles for them. This leads to tons of ignorant dipshits, draped in American flags, taking to the streets to chant about how they’d rather die than give up their GOD-GIVEN right to prostitute their horses — an animal they don’t own and a cause they just learned about seven-minutes ago.
In time, a handful of them will see the error of their ways. Just as this moment of clarity begins to crest, a journalist will leap from a bush to ask if the person would like to be the subject of an article about people who regret how dumb they were for believing something that should have been abundantly obvious from the start. Like this article about a guy who thought the COVID-19 pandemic was a crock of shit until he and his wife got it and now she’s on a ventilator.
This is a pre-made article topic journalists can grab from a large dusty discount bin of ideas once they move aside dented cans of soup and several DVD copies of Juwanna Mann. This is just the first we’ve come across. We’re going to see a lot of these for the next couple of years as more states start opening up and as more old people shout tyranny to protest the continued closure of gyms they’ve obviously never been to in their lives.
This border-line hacky journalistic trope is the byproduct of an age that seems particularly packed with fear and severely lacking critical thinking skills. You can’t begrudge the journalists for writing it. They’ve done all they can to warn people of the risks. They’ve interviewed every medical specialist they can. They’ve written one how-to guide after another packed with life-saving tips like “Just wear a fucking mask already, Christ.”
But these people are still out there willingly setting themselves up for a regret-filled mea culpa article, begging others like them to drop it now before they, too, over-prostitute their horses. Googling “Trump regret articles” brings up tons of these things from a few years ago. Regret articles and the “interviewing Trump supporters in small-town diners” genre are infections of their own that only spread in cramped, poorly ventilated newsrooms.
I guess the subjects of these articles don’t read the news enough to have seen this premise play out hundreds of times already. Or maybe they think they’re immune to a change of heart. Like teenage-me swearing I’m still going to be extremely into Korn well into my 80s, these older folks genuinely believe they’re impervious to influence from outside of their bubbles. Then they realize all too late that their cultural bubbles are really bad at keeping out viruses, but they’re great at blocking out all the good advice that could have kept them from contracting it.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Catch him on the “In Broad Daylight” podcast with Cracked alums Adam Tod Brown and Ian Fortey! Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin’s BunnyEars.com and his “Meditation Minute” segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. Listen to the first episode on Youtube!
Top Image: Paul Becker/Wiki Commons