Did you know Germany still has a king? Neither do most Germans. But while his demesne is small and his armies consist mostly of middle-aged keyboard warriors, there is no denying the rise of Peter I, King of NeuDeutschland, Denier of Democracies, and Wearer of Ponytails.
On September 16, 2012, Peter Fitzek, a former karate teacher and slot machine owner, crowned himself the “King of Germany,” succeeding the last true monarch Kaiser Wilhelm II. It even says so on his passport — at least, the one he makes himself for his tiny kingdom of NeuDeutschland or “New Germany.” And for a few hundred euros, anyone can buy a “membership” into this petty kingdom, which has its own flag (the regular German one with a sun decal on it) and its own currency — Engelgeld or “angel money,” the only money in the world that has a standard denomination of sevens.
Together with his Queen Annett Ullmann, who serves House Kartoffel (or is a server at the local Kartoffelhaus, in modern parlance), King Peter rules over a vast demesne of a couple of abandoned factories southwest of Berlin which he has transformed into a definitely-not-a-cult compound. What kind of king is Peter? A very old school one — half paranoid megalomaniac, half religious nutjob. An Alex Jones type with a fake passport, Peter believes a corrupt deep state conspiracy (read: Jewish people) is out to get him and that every pebble against his windshield’s a deflected assassination attempt. He also believes he is in a war with Satanists and claims he can cleanse those tainted by the dark arts with his divine hands.